Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This is painfully accurate 😅
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.