Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured