Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
house sitting!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.