Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
channeling her this year
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!