Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

operators are standing by to ignore your call

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four