NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You Might Also Like
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it