Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what