Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
You Might Also Like
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
More like Kate Missington.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
