Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Möther may I have a snäck

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

weaknesses

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.