Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.