Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro