Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Old old old old old west

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

f*** a break up, have y’all ever had to chase your dog down the street and they’re thinking it’s a game.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*