[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Every damn time
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”