Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school