Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.