Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Bless you
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
i want enemies
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM