Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.