Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat