Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

I wish this was real life…

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.