Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
That lamp looks PISSED.
