Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Sign at work today

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.