Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.