Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Terribly Tuesday.