Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ