Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
awkward
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
favorite tropes as memes
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old