necessity is the mother of invention
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza