Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane