Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You Might Also Like
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.