Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
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I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
multitasking lunch
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.