Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

is this a threat

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

The cashier just checked me out.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

she has a point

No laws when master is gone

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.