Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.![]()
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?![]()
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Wake me when AI does housework
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.