“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Yoga Matt
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.