I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children