Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me 2 months after i graduated
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.