@cheeky__gal

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

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@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

@Swain_Train47

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

@BuckyIsotope

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

@murrman5

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

@YoungNobler

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016