Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.