You used to call me on my spell phone
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Her: I have a crush on you.
Me: Give it a day or two…it will pass.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.