@cheeky__gal

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

@Amburglar_

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

@mejustbeth

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

@bgdadyspnkbtm

Her: I have a crush on you.

Me: Give it a day or two…it will pass.

@AndyAsAdjective

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

@InternetHippo

My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum

@Michael_Erhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

@JillianKarger

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.