Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I want what they have
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Important
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.