Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If looks could kill
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.