Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Breaking news:
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.