Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Brands during Pride
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
my first day as a raccoon
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
