Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
kitchen magnet
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
