Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Lmfao
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
