Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”