need a new bf mines broken 😐
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.