need a new bf mines broken 😐
You Might Also Like
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more