need a new bf mines broken 😐
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I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
October already? What’s next? November????
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out