need a new bf mines broken 😐
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me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
How it started: How it’s going:
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Donating blood today to make room for more food