need a new bf mines broken 😐
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands