need a new bf mines broken 😐
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mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
linkedin the good parts
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM