need a new bf mines broken 😐
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The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
opening twitter today
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
This was the best day of my life
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”