need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
no one ever comes back
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭