need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
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“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Mornin
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
How to make infinite energy.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?