Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.