Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI