Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
kids play hide and seek like
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends