@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

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@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@SternoShots

Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?

@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

@GetCougarized

The best things in life are free.

Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.

@Book_Krazy

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES