@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

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@Chhapiness

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

@AimeeHelene1

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

@AmericanGent69

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

@fro_vo

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

@shariv67

I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.

@seamusmckracken

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

@abbycohenwl

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

@notmythirdrodeo

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now