Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL