Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.