Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

I’m tired tomorrow.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack