need him
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I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
💁🏻♂️
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents