Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.