Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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“Why you watching this shit?”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
britain’s three elite institutions
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!