need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
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Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Close call…
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Chemical wingman
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.