need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
You Might Also Like
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How tf did it end up there?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.