Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

A Monday every week is excessive

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.