Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT