Need this in my life lol
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If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve