Need this in my life lol
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.