Need this in my life lol
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So glad we cleared that up
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
channeling her this year
