Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Finally a use for spoilers…
seriously you guys
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My Guy
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.