Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”