@Turn2Dude

Need to bring up task manager so I can shut Monday down and then restart.

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@MomOnFire

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

@Staggfilms

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

@ellle_em

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

@mc_funbags

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

@jonmsutton

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

@Scott_A_Gilmore

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with Automatic Braking System

*Czechs for ABS

@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

@ElleOhHell

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”