My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
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Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Cool shirt 🙂
o shit
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.