@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

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@DothTheDoth

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

@MollySneed

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

@groovuroy

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

@girlontapas

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

@platinum2000

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”