@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

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@hermanntrude

Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it

Me:

Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!

@ObscureGent

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

@iwearaonesie

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

@hell_homer

kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

@CornOnTheGoblin

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@EricaTheThor

Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.

@dragnut

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

@funnybeachgirl

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.