need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You Might Also Like
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*Seductively hides in the woods
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.