need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.


Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.


Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.


I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?


On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.


Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.


Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?


You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”