Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

umm…

Joseph Smith, 1833

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”