Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
