Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.