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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
😜
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
In banana years, I am bread.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead